Separation, Desperation
by Lisa4
Summary: Takes place after the Stars series. Mamoru has gone to Harvard in America, leaving Usagi back in Tokyo afraid that she is not good enough for her Mamochan. Will Mamoru make Usagi see her true worth?


Title: Separation, Desperation  
Author: Lisa  
Rating: G  
Author's Notes:  
Hey everyone! Well, I'm here bringing you another short story. Yes, I know I should be working on Roses chapter 4, but I just got this idea, and had to write a story on it. That chapter will be delayed for a few days, sorry. This takes place after the Stars series, and Mamoru goes back to college in America. It's in Usagi's p.o.v. Well, enough of me talking. Enjoy!  
Disclaimers: Sailor Moon and the others don't belong to me, but this story does.  
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I've always been told that separation makes relationships weaker; their affection for each other and the need to be with one another dims until it's gone. Is that true?   
  
"Mamo-chan..." I whisper, feeling a tear trickle down my cheek. I didn't care. Maybe I didn't care about life all that much now.   
I miss him so much it hurts. My heart aches for him to touch me, kiss me. My love is at another country, far away from me. Yet I love him just as much...more even if that was possible.  
It seems that this separation strengthens our bond, our link with each other. That is what I feel in my heart. I feel as though my love for him will never end, no matter what. My love for him can be described like a flowing river that has no boundaries.   
I have my worries and doubts though. I am afraid. Afraid that someone will become the girl of his dreams, and I will be left behind. I know that countless girls have gone after him, so many that I can't remember them all. I know of many girls that are far more beautiful and more intelligent than I am beyond compare. So many to choose from...why did Mamo-chan choose me in the first place? To me, I consider myself as not the 'perfect' girl for Mamo-chan. I'm just a sixteen year old girl. He deserves better than me. Someone that is his equal.  
  
But in truth, I am selfish I suppose. I am desperate for Mamo-chan's love; to be loved by him is...I can't describe it in words...makes me feel full. He is my other half. Half of my soul, my heart. He is the one for me, the one who has my all my love and always will. I wonder if he feels the same way...  
  
I take out a piece of paper, preparing to write a letter to my beloved. He hasn't replied in a couple of weeks, I don't blame him. College can be tough on a person, I know.   
Sighing, I try to think of the right words. They never come though...I can't take it anymore. I miss him so much. I need to be with him. To know that he loves me still, as much as I love him. That I'm his one and only and always will be. Am I though? Does he really love me, or has he found another?  
  
The telephone rings. Why must it ring now? Slowly, I rubbed my eyes from any tears that were still there, and dragged myself to the table which the phone was located. "Moshi Moshi." I answered the phone tiredly, barely paying any attention to it.   
"Why, you sound tired Usako. Need to get more rest." Mamoru chuckled lightly.   
Now he had my full attention. My eyes brightened up quickly. "Mamo-chan! You called!" I exclaimed happily, a soft, happy smile playing on my lips.  
  
Mamoru smiled longingly at the voice, a smile I couldn't see. "I miss you, Usako." He stated.  
"Miss you too Mamo-chan. How long do you still have to stay there?" I inquired him. Personally, I wanted him home with me, right now. I know that's isn't going to happen. Nice to think about anyway...  
  
I heard Mamo-chan sigh, thinking about how to answer my question without hurting me. "Usako, remember I told you it was only for a few months?" I knew where this was going. He wasn't coming back anytime soon that's for sure. "Truth is Usako, I can't leave now. Um..probably for another few months, a year at tops. Gomen nasai for doing this to you." He paused, letting this sink in.   
  
My mouth dropped open. My once bright world turned dark again. Mamo-chan's words rang in my ears. "Oh Mamo-chan." I thought bitterly. Will we ever be together again? I found my voice again, and regained my composure, pushing back the forming tears. I tried to make my voice smooth. "Mamo-chan...it's..fine...I. understand..you have to do what you have to do, right?" My voice didn't follow my orders. I wanted Mamo-chan to know that I was okay about this whole thing. I would be fine, and would wait for him. But I can't.   
  
I sobbed silently, hoping Mamo-chan couldn't hear. He could and did hear. "Usako...please...don't cry. It'll be okay. I promise. Aishiteru, Usako. Forever."   
My sobs subsided hearing his soothing words. Oh, if only he could say them in person. "Aishiteru Mamo-chan. Come home soon, ne?" I tried to sound normal. Like this wasn't affecting me in emotionally. It was killing me inside. I hated the fact that I can't be with my soul mate.   
"Hai, Usako. Don't worry. I'll be back before you know it." Mamoru teased, trying to make me feel better. Hey, he tried, but I felt horrible. Nothing was going my way. What else is going to happen?   
"Usako, I have to go. Call you later tonight, alright? Ja ne." With that, he hung up. I was still holding the phone, listening to the sound of the dial tone. Why? I had no clue. It seemed like I wasn't myself nowadays. "Mamo-chan..."  
  
He didn't call me that night. I wished he did. Just hearing is voice gives me happiness, an emotion I haven't been feeling lately. Maybe he was busy...who knows.  
  
Luna was waiting for me at me bed. "Usagi-chan, what's wrong? You seem so sad." I could tell she was worried about me. So were the other girls. They all try to help and cheer me up, but no one can.   
"I'm fine, Luna. Mamo-chan was supposed to call me, but...he didn't." I looked down.   
Luna understood. She gently nudged me, whispering comforting words to me. "Usagi-chan, it'll be okay. Just know, that the senshi and I are here for you, okay?" Luna smiled sadly, I knew she was feeling sorry for me. I don't want everyone to have pity for me. "Luna, I'm fine. Really...all better." I put on a fake smile to show her. Apparently, she didn't fall for it. Luna still had a very worried look plastered on her feline face. "Alright, go to sleep Usagi-chan. See you tomorrow."  
  
I snuggled into bed, hoping to have good dreams about my Mamo-chan. Smiling at the thought, I fell asleep.  
  
The next morning was here faster than I anticipated it to be. The sun seemed to wake me up though. "It's nighttime in America." I thought.  
I peered out my bedroom window. "Today is Saturday..." I whispered unconsciously. "A typical Saturday morning." I used to love Saturdays. Free from school; I could go out and have fun. Now everything's changed. To me, the weekend is just another couple of days in a week. "What is happening to me?" I asked myself. My life is so empty...so dull. "Maybe I should call Mamo-chan tonight." Now that thought cheered me up.  
" Mamo-chan had given me his home number, and he always eats lunch at his apartment. I'll call him." It seemed my world brightened at that.   
  
"Usagi-chan, come on. We planned a meeting today. You're going to be late!" I turned around to face Luna, who had a grim look on her face. Just how long has she been standing there?   
"Luna, I don't want to go... okay." She nodded. "But I don't see why we still meet. I mean there hasn't been any attacks as far as we're concerned anyway."  
Luna walked over to me. "I know Usagi-chan, but this is urgent." I knew I couldn't argue with Luna and win, so I agreed. We were headed to the arcade? Why the arcade though? Usually we discuss our senshi business at Rei's temple...  
  
The arcade was unbelievably crowded that day. But the girls were there nonetheless. I went over and sat down. Since when were we this quiet? "So...uh...hi minna. How's everyone today?"   
Ami smiled cheerfully. "We're fine Usagi-chan. It's you that we are concerned about." Ami looked worried about me. What for what reason? Why are they worried about me?   
"Usagi-chan, we know how much you miss Mamo-chan. But he'll be back. You're not the cheerful girl we know and care about. And me miss her." Everyone smiled sadly at me.   
I couldn't stand it. That they are worried about me and not of their own problems.   
  
I shook my head. "Minna, I'm fine. Don't worry please." I stood up, and nodded. "Arigato minna. For caring so much. I'll be fine, I promise." I left the girls. They probably even more worried about me now, but I don't care. I'm glad to know me friends care about me so much though. It's nice to have friends that you can count on and trust.  
  
That day must have been the most horrible day ever. I waited until it was just the right time to call. The call I have been anxiously waiting to make today. I dialed the numbers slowly, care not to diam it wrong.   
The phone rang twice, with me praying at the other side that he was home and that he would pick up the phone. He did.  
"Hello?" Well, he uses English now. I don't blame him. After all, he is living in America.   
"Mamo-chan?" I squeaked out. I heard him pause a bit then answered back.   
"Usako?" He asked, as if not believing I had actually called him from Tokyo. "Um...hi Usako." His voice...so...nervous. Is he hiding something? Perhaps a girl?   
"Mamo-chan, what's wrong? You sound so...anxious for something." My heartbeat quickened by the millisecond.   
Once again, silence at the other end at the other end. "Usako, it's nothing really. Call you back, okay? Bye..." He was about to hang up on me, I could tell. "Mamo-chan, wait! Please don't hang up on me now. I want to speak with you. I..." I heard something at the other end. Like someone else moving in his room.   
  
"Mamoru, come on. What are you doing? We're going to be late." A feminine voice called out to him. At that second, my world froze. It was over. I blew it. Mamo-chan has found someone better than me. Maybe it was the best for the both of us. Some so sophisticated and intelligent as Mamo-chan deserves better.   
I choked back a sob. "Usako, I really have to go...call you back."   
I shook my head. Why does he even have to bother with me anymore? I'm just a pain in his side. Always have been, always will be. Life was cruel. Time I moved on...but I'll always love my Mamo-chan...forever.   
"Mamo-chan, don't bother. It'll be just wasting your time." I hung up on him, without hearing what he had to say. Probably he was happy...  
  
My heart didn't seem to agree. Tears fell from my cheek, soaking my skirt. Who cares? I sure didn't. My heart told me to wait for him to call back, that this was a big misunderstanding. But is it really? Can I truly believe he wouldn't choose all the beautiful, smart girls at his college, and instead he would choose me?   
  
The phone didn't ring that afternoon, or at night. My worst nightmare has come true. Mamo-chan and I are over. How I don't want to believe it; that we can continue on. That destiny and love were really on our side.   
The relationship we shared, the wonderful kisses, tender touches, how we fought the evil together meant actually something to him. It did to me. In fact, I would rather lead a life or fighting evil as Sailor Moon so that my savior and I can stand together as one than to lead a normal life. A normal life was what I've always dreamed of...a normal life without Mamo-chan is...empty.  
  
That night, I looked up at the moon and stars, seeking guidance as to how I should move on. After all, I wasn't used to living without his love and care, not that I want to get used to it...maybe it was our destiny not to be together.   
The moon was still shining brightly, the stars making an excellent blend with it. They seemed to work together, something that Mamo-chan and I once shared. Or so I thought. However, things are different now, and I have to except them as they are. I have to overcome this obstacle of depression I have obtained these past few months; I have to break this shell, and reveal the once happy girl that everyone knows. It will be hard, but obstacles are always hard to overcome. I just wish this isn't happening.  
  
How do I know the girl in Mamo-chan's apartment was his newfound love? Perhaps I was mistaken to judge so suddenly. Then on the other hand, the mystery girl could very well be his girlfriend...I fell asleep thinking of the things that had transpired that day.  
  
The next morning was Sunday. A normal but depressing day as usual. Get up, be scolded by Luna, and be miserable until bedtime. The same routine. Little did I know what was going to happen that typical Sunday.  
  
The phone rang in the morning, just when I woke up. Something told me it was Mamo-chan, instinct I guess. Should I pick it up. No, I can't bear to hear that he has found a new love. I don't want to believe. Then, Mamo-chan means so much to me...I don't want to hurt him...maybe I should pick it up.  
  
When I did, it stopped ringing. I guess Mamo-chan gave up, and thought I wasn't home. I sobbed quietly by the small table, clutching the phone tight. "Mamo-chan...what will happen to us now?" Luna walked in at that moment, with the same concerned expression on her face. She knew that something was wrong, probably a fight with Mamoru...boy it was way worst than that...wasn't it?  
  
The girls had planned a surprise trip together to the arcade. They said something like friends need to be together, especially if one is feeling down. They were good friends I would ave to agree to that, but I guess it would be better it I could have time ti organize my thoughts and plans. At least I had friends. Some people need support in times like this...but you could say I wasn't one of them.  
The girls chatted for a little while, trying to get me involved the best they can. All I would say is yes and no. Guess I wasn't cooperating all that much. Who wouldn't if they were in a situation like this? No one could make me as happy as Mamo-chan made me. He made me laugh, brightened up my world. What would I do without him? The experience of being rejected...that is what I am experiencing now. I wished I wasn't.  
  
"Usako?" A very familiar voice broke into my thoughts. Multiple gasps were heard, followed by silence. Complete silence. "Usako..." I turned around slowly...to be face to face with no other than...Mamo-chan. He looked so worried, concerned about me. Is that possible? Could he still care about me...for a friend...or is it more than that?  
  
"Mamo-chan..." I whispered. This time, he was here, when I called to him. "I..." Should I continue and confront my fears? Or should I run away and forget about this whole mess? Of course, as any typical in love girl that I was, I chose the alternate. I ran away from my fears and doubts rather than sitting there, and hearing out Mamo-chan's side of this. Did I make the wrong choice?   
  
As I ran, I could hear Mamo-chan running after me, yelling for me to stop. I wanted to, really I did. It seemed like my legs weren't cooperation.   
I began to feel tired after a good fifteen minutes of running. Mamo-chan close behind me. The weirdest thing is that he didn't even look tired at all! Maybe I should've listened to my coach about track....just a thought.  
  
I couldn't run any further, so I stopped. So there I was, in the middle of a road, at the moment trying to catch my breath. "Okay, you win Mamo-chan. I can't run anymore." I managed to get out between a few deep breathes.  
He stood there, looking as handsome as ever I might add, staring at me. He nodded. "Good. Usako...it isn't what you think..please." His eyes pleaded with me. He looked so sincere...so loving. What do I do? I still love Mamo-chan, nothing can change that. "Alright Mamo-chan...say what you wish. I'll listen."  
"Arigato Usako." I see Mamo-chan smiling gratefully towards me. The one that makes your heart melt. 'Oh Mamo-chan..." I thought sadly.  
  
"Usako...about yesterday. It's not what you think...I wasn't...she wasn't... Aishiteru Usako. No one can replace you. Please...trust me." I looked into his stormy blue eyes. They were so...desperate. I miss him. Why can't things be back to normal? Why did he... Is it really his fault though? Or is it my fault for not trusting him?  
"Usako..." He whispered gently, putting a hand on my shoulder.  
I shook my head. "Please Mamo-chan...I need time to think for awhile." Did I really? Or was it just an excuse for not confronting him?  
  
I could see Mamo-chan nodding. "Hai, you do. Take all the time you need. But please...don't make a choice we would all regret..." He turned away from me, and left silently. Oh, how I wanted to chase after him...somehow my feet wouldn't move.  
I went home instead.   
  
When I dragged myself home, my head spinning around fast. I lay down on my bed, sobbing not-so-quietly. Luna walked in, probably heard my crying downstairs.  
  
"Usagi-chan, don't worry...everything will be alright." Luna purred comfortingly, making me feel better instantly.  
"How did you find out?" I asked curiously.  
"The girls. They're also very worried about you, Usagi-chan." Luna grinned. "Besides, you and Mamo-chan will be together again, count on it." That's what everyone thinks. That things between and I will work out. And I do want it to work out. Why can't I trust Mamo-chan like I used to? "Aishiteru Mamo-chan." Mamo-chan will always be my love...I can't abandon him like that..I love him too much. Tomorrow will be brighter for us that's for sure. I wonder how long Mamo-chan can stay...  
  
The next day was Monday. School was boring as usual. I thought it would never end. It did...a eternity later.  
  
I went straight to the arcade where I knew Mamo-chan probably was. We needed to have a talk.  
He was there alright, talking with Motoki.  
  
"So Mamoru, how long will you be staying? A few weeks, month?" I heard Motoki ask.  
"Uh...I don't know yet. I've told the professor where I was going, so maybe a couple weeks, a month at tops." I brightened. Mamo-chan and I could catch up on old times...we had a lot to catch up on. That is, if everything works out smoothly today. I walked over to Mamo-chan and Motoki. Motoki took the hint that we needed to be alone and left quickly.  
  
"Mamo-chan..I knew you I would find you here." I said calmly. He nodded, and pointed to the door. I got the picture. This wasn't exactly what I would call a 'private' place. So we decided to go to my favorite place in Tokyo...the park.  
  
We reached the park after a few minutes. I was beginning to feel nervous. Neither of us had said a word to each other.   
  
Sitting down an a bench, I heard Mamo-chan take a deep breath. "Usako...have you decided yet?" He asked quietly.  
I smiled. "Hai, I have. Mamo-chan...you know I will love you and always will." I paused, trying to see his reaction. "And?" He asked.  
I smiled wider. It seemed like he didn't get it yet. "And I trust you fully. But I was afraid that I wasn't good enough for you...that you would find someone better. That's why I got all mad and...jealous when I heard that girl in your apartment." I looked down. I was ashamed that I didn't trust Mamo-chan. If I did, would I be suspecting him of finding another girl?  
  
"Usako..." He stopped, not knowing what to say. "I understand. You know what Usako?" He looked up at me, his face slightly flushed. "I...was scared you would find someone too. I don't deserve you Usako. You're my love...my light. You mean so much to me, and I...it doesn't seem like I'm doing a good job of showing what I really feel. You have every right to think what you did..."   
I looked at him, shocked. He had thought that I would...find someone to replace him? "Mamo-chan, I'm the one who doesn't deserve you." I beamed, tears of happiness sliding down my cheeks.  
"Oh Usako. Aishiteru." With that, we embraced tightly. The sun was setting, the moon rising. As we hugged under the bright moon, and glittering stars, looked up, silently thanking them for restoring my love to me.  
  
I don't know how long we just sat there hugging each other. I didn't care. "Mamo-chan. Aishiteru Mamo-chan." He looked down at me lovingly. "Aishiteru Usako...my little bunny."   
Our lips met in a deep kiss. One full of desire, passion. The one that makes my heart melt.   
"Mmmm..." I mumbled as Mamo-chan played with my hair. "Mamo-chan?"  
"Hai?"  
"I've been told that separation makes relationship weaker. But in truth, it doesn't does it? At least not for us..."  
"Hai Usako. No matter where I am, I'll always love you. Because you're my little bunny, and always will be."  
I smiled happily. My life was bright again. All thanks to Mamo-chan...my love.  
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Okay, now how was that? I know it was sad, but then I made it romantic...or I tried to anyway. I hope you've enjoyed this fic, and please give me comments. I really want to know if my writing has improved at all in my 3 months of writing fan fics, so please tell me. My e-mail address is LisaZUMstories@aol.com. You can send basically anything you want to me. Comments, suggestion, etc. Well, thanks for taking the time to read my story. Ja ne!  
This story written and posted January, 2001. 


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